Well, it’s February. Love is in the air.

As love triangles go, an space-diaper-wearing astronaut kidnapper and an Anna Nicole Smith post-mortem paternity question make for a really bizarre week. But they say that these things happen in threes, so I’ve assembled a list of guesses at the next ménage a crazy that we’ll hear about.

Donald, Rosie and Ellen. If there’s anyone who can reconcile differences between two stubborn megastars, it’s the affable DeGeneres, who I’ve been saying the U.S. ought to hire to handle those nasty Middle East peace talks for ages. A joke about how silly goldfish can be, one about how sitting down is weird and a third where she personifies a puppy trying to understand sex and bingo-bango, we’re looking at a lasting accord. Of course, I wouldn’t put it past Trump to drive 900 miles wearing a diaper just to keep Rosie from finding love, so maybe it wouldn’t end so well.

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards. I only say this because I think it’s basically inevitable that they’ll find a way to screw each other. At the same time, I know a few people who have probably dreamt about this. Actually, I know one guy who I bet has written a dirty story about it.

Michael Richards, Joe Biden and Oprah. This is the only way these guys can really hope to fix their careers. I know Oprah’s into charity, but I think this is a longshot.