NEWARK–After suspicious materials showed up in luggage x-rays, American Airlines passenger Cupid was detained for investigation. The cherubic cherub claims that the bow and arrow in question weren’t meant for killing or maiming, rather for causing adorable couples to fall in love. Air marshals say that’s not a possible thing.

Meanwhile, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks and John Cusack were unable to woo Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan and Ione Skye for the entire first and second acts.

“It’s just not fair,” said Grant. “Here I am, being foppish, and the damned leading lady won’t stare into my eyes at the end of any of the Peter Gabriel montages. I can only hope that in the sequel or perhaps the third iteration of ‘The Girl With a Thing for All Foppish Guys But Me’ she’ll come around. I’ve been trying to say adorable British things around her. Mayonnaise. Bastard. Adequate healthcare systems. That sort of thing.”