After years of complaints from the community, city officials in Santa Monica, Calif., are trying to stem the population of the city’s squirrels by injecting the pests with a birth-control drug.

If the method works, they’re thinking of taking it up the road and shooting up Tom Cruise, also due to complaints from the community.

You know who else was interested? Paris Hilton. Yeah, she thought it’d be convenient. I’m not sure she understood how it all worked though, she’s been seen hanging out in Palisades Park trying to seduce the squirrels. It’s the creepiest re-make of the “Pied Piper” ever.

Now New York is trying to hire her to get rid of all the damned rats. They figure all it takes is one rat to go out with Paris, then he’ll slowly spread disease to all the other rats. They can carry the bubonic plague, but can they take on Paris? We’ll see.

Michael Jackson made a public appearance in Tokyo this weekend for one of the first times since his acquittal in advance of a party he’s being paid to host.

At the event, fans will pay $3,500 to spend 30 seconds with him, though there are discounted rates for children under 12.

During the 30 seconds of mingling time, guests are expected to spend most of the time in shock that they’re paying $3,500 for this — “Really? I paid $3,500? And not even one sha-mon?”

It’s not even that great for bragging, because for that $3,500, they probably could have just bought a monkey, named it “Bubbles,” and lied a little. “Yeah, I’m taking care of the monkey until he gets over the break-up.”