These aren’t news jokes, they’re just joke jokes. Sometimes you have to write joke jokes. And sometimes you have to update your blog. When those times meet, you get this crappy post.

So, I’m currently unemployed. I do almost nothing during the day, which is not terribly different from life when I was employed, except that I’m even less likely to go out at night. I just sit around at home, eating and digesting. I’ve gotten really good at me. Friend of mine called me and asked, “Yo Dave, what are you up to tonight?” I said, “I’m eating a giant baked potato and taking a giant crap.” And I said that fully looking forward to both parts.

He said “I’m going to a huge party with a lot of babes, you want to go?” I said, “I told you, I’m busy.”

I’ve been meeting a lot of people from other places lately. I met a guy from Michigan and asked where in Michigan he was from. He said Michigan is shaped like a hand, then held his hand up and pointed between his thumb and forefinger and said that’s where he’s from. Every state has one of those. I met a guy from Florida and asked where he was from and he pulled out his flaccid dong and pointed to where he was from.

Key West, it turns out. But these are really absurd ways of telling someone where you’re from. Colorado has the best one. We’re a rectangle. We’re in the shape of a map of Colorado. So if someone asks me where I’m from in Colorado, I just pull out a map and point at my flaccid dong. I don’t know why I do that, just habit, I guess. A bad habit. I’m on the patch and the gum, but I can’t stop pointing at my junk.

I’m looking for apartments in New York right now. I’ve been looking on Craigslist, which is a terrible idea. You have no idea if people are crazy or not, so you look for little code words. If someone says they’re “neat” and looking for a “tidy roommate,” it probably means they’re not a crackhead and not looking for a crackhead roommate. If they say they’re looking for a “tidy roommate” and once had a roommate who said they were tidy but weren’t actually tidy, it means they’re gonna be real assholes about everything.

Yeah, OK, there were going to be more, but I had to go tell them. The maps thing went very well. Goodnight.