Angry conservative Indians have charged Richard Gere with obscenity after the dapper actor kissed Big Brother winner Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS awareness event over the weekend.

Jeez, Richard Gere, who do you think you are–Al and Tipper Gore? You’re not. You’re just one guy, so you can’t be both of them. And don’t even think you’re fooling us into thinking you’re Al Gore by also not running for president.

Somehow I get the feeling that Gere’s going to go crazy on the tight-lipped, squinty smile thing, charm and marry all of the various angry Hindus and be charged with bigamy. Then, in act three, he’ll sort it all out to some Louis Armstrong by buying flowers and doing two years in Indian prison.

(Note to high-powered literary agents reading my blog: you know you want this screenplay, “The Geres of Love” and the Indian prison sequel, “The Geres of War,” in which our hero, hardened ex-con R. Gere, singlehandedly takes back an island prison. So come and get ‘em. The screenplays are right here, calling to you lustily. From my pants. Not the pants I’m wearing, because that would be weird. They’re in another pair of pants that I’m carrying around because my satchel is all full. Of lovemaking paraphernalia for making sex.)

In the Phillippines, a guy named Agakhan Sharief is running for office and using a clever nickname to help people remember him. See, he’s a Muslim with a beard and a head scarf, so he’s going by the name “Bin Laden” or “the young Osama of Mindanao.” All of his posters say his real name in small letters and in big, red letters, “BIN LADEN.”

It’s basically the same tactic that Republicans used from 2001-2006, just throwing the name BIN LADEN around all willy-nilly in scary fonts to get votes.

But I think it’s going to catch on. I think all kinds of people are going to start using memorable nicknames to get elected. We could soon have an election between “Bin Laden” and “Kim Jong Il.” And then other marketing folks will totally go for it. Hitler ice cream. That kind of stuff.