I love it when the news is already comedy. Here’s a fantastic story about Chad Johnson, the outspoken receiver for the Cincinatti Bengals, preparing to run a race against a horse for charity. The highlights:

A 4-year-old colt named Restore the Road will race Johnson on the turf at Cincinnati’s River Downs on June 9. The horse will run 1/8th of a mile, while Johnson covers half that distance.

Sounds like a fair match to Johnson.

“I’m ready,” he said. “He has two extra legs, so I will get a two-extra-leg lead.”

A two-extra-leg lead. Because the horse has extra legs. Now we know why Johnson keeps shying away from all those glitzy spider races. Fair or not, it’s just a little humiliating to start a race with a six-extra-leg lead. And the funniest true thing I’ve probably ever read from a quarterback:

“I don’t think he really understands how fast horses are,” [Bengals QB Carson] Palmer said Friday.

Life must be moving glacially. Yesterday I bought some vitamins. I brought them home and tried to open them, but the plastic seal on the top was frustrating for about 35 seconds (strike one), so I just put them away to deal with later (strike two, bachelor-style). Last night I dreamt that there was actually a perforation and they were totally easy to open, so I ripped the thing open and spilled vitamins everywhere (strike three in a dream).

I think it qualified as a nightmare, but it was a nightmare grenade: not terrifying at the time, just annoying. Terrifying later, when I realized that’s what my subconscious thought was most important about the day. I would have felt better if, instead of vitamins spilling out all over the floor, it had been starving children.