Chad Johnson beat the horse. If you didn’t know, wide receiver Chad Johnson of the Cincinnati Bengals was in a footrace with a horse the other day. You know, for charity.

Johnson had a 100-meter head start and won handily, which proves yet again that men are smarter than horses. I mean, if the horse had just been smart enough to start where the human did, he would have had a shot, but because he’s just a dumb horse, he didn’t know any better. (Go humans.)

Johnson won by several lengths, says USA today. That’s horsetalk for something. Horsespeak. Horselanguage.

The estimated crowd of 8,000 at River Downs roared its approval for Johnson, the Bengals wide receiver who said his runaway win would jump start his side career in doing sporting stunts for charity.

“Floyd Mayweather, you’re next,” Johnson said. “I want to fight you. I’d like to take Kobe and LeBron one-on-one. Jeff Gordon, we can take a couple laps.”

No. No no. Chad, you have to fight a horse. And race a car against a horse. And play one-on-one basketball against two horses. By the way, are you maybe a little confused about the term one-on-one? OK, cool. Also by the way, I think you should just play H-O-R-S-E against two horses.

Then it’s lose-lose for the horses. If they lose, public shame. If they win, they’re not HORSE. There are very few games that can take away one’s sense of horsity. Actually, it’s pretty much just H-O-R-S-E.

Johnson, who mounted a horse after the win and rode it around the winner’s circle, suggested he might be back at River Downs later this summer to race another horse, presumably one that’s faster than Restore the Roar.

“Street Sense, Curlin,” Johnson said. “Whichever one’s supposed to be the best horse.”

I do think it was a little uncivilized that his reward for winning was mounting a horse.