NEW YORK–The highly-anticipated iPhone — a combination cellular telephone, music player and wireless Internet device — shouldn’t have been left alone with your girlfriend. You saw the way it was looking at her, playing all the Al Green it could get its digital little mitts on and showing off touchscreen like it’s Lindsay at an awards show. You should have known better, man.

It’s not her fault. You practically drove her to it, you know. Were you able to tell her where the best Vegan place uptown was while rocking her gently to the new Xavier Rudd? No, you were sitting on your duff talking about love and love. And love. Douche.

So the iPhone did what it had to do, baby. It treated a lady like a lady ought to be treated, and that’s with $5 billion worth of projected retail business, an unlimited data plan — when she said yours was a good size, well, you know — and icons that bounce. up. and. down. Yeah, they did it. They did it in your home, bro. When it was all over, iPhone told her nothing could ever come of it and, to her credit, your lady only cried for the first fifteen minutes.

Maybe you never stood a chance. Maybe you can win her back. I don’t know. But I’ll tell you one thing. I wouldn’t trust that new iBrator, either.

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