Sneaky music thoughts, vol. 2.

I’m headed out tonight for food and drink on a non-swimmable beach in Long Island City where the turntables will be manned by Grandmaster Flash. In honor of that, here’s “The Message:”

Now, look. I know that there are going to be a few people skeptical of new “Alvin and the Chipmunks” movie’s prospects, a few folks who believe in the ability of writers today to produce original material and circumvent the old storylines so deserving of another visit, and maybe even a few people who will be disappointed in Jason Lee for taking the role of Dave.

Well I’m here to tell you, on behalf of America, to cram it. Cram it right back in your brainhole and keep it crammed there so nothing else drips out. Here are my thoughts, which I will enumerate because your tiny anti-”Alvin” pea brains may not otherwise be able to hang.

NUMBER ONE.

So you think “Alvin and the Chipmunks” can’t sustain, as a live-action/CGI romp, the level of excitement and drama necessary to titillate audiences for a full ninety-ish minutes? How about “The Chipmunk Adventure,” the 1987 smash hit? How about CG-effing-I, as seen in films like “Toy Story,” “Jurassic Park” and “Sin City?” How about the new film’s director, Tim Hill (Garfield 2: “A Tail of Two Kitties”)? Bingo. Bango. In addition to your brainhole, why don’t you just shut your piehole?

NUMBER TWO.

You like original works, huh? Well, why don’t you go and write one? Go ahead. I dare you. Write a movie that’s better than the tried and true material of “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” which is being made into a feature film now because it has lasted for nearly half a century and not, I am confident, at all because of the 2006 expiration of the contract that Universal Studios had with Bagdasarian Productions, the original owners.

This whole originality fad has finally come to its end, and it was about damn time. I am thinking of making buttons that say “You Know, Screw Original Writing.” Email me if you’d like one.

And finally, NUMBER THREE.

Dave is a very complex figure. Dave is a character dealing with single parenthood, with pursuing his passion in music — look, I could go on, but as I often do, I think that Wikipedia may have already groupthought it best:

Like any other single parent trying to raise three kids, Dave has his patience tested on a daily basis, mostly by Alvin’s antics. Not only does he juggle his professional life as the songwriter for the musical trio, but he is also the Chipmunks’ father and confidant. While Dave struggles to remain calm and objective, Alvin often pushes him over the edge, reducing Dave to his trademark yell of “ALVIN!!!” One instance of this is in the song “Alvin’s Harmonica”, from The Alvin Show.

This is not just some guy with a few rodents for pets.

I think, with this primer in mind, it’s time to watch the trailer and let the work speak for itself.

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Shut up. Shut up. I’m sure the poop eating at the end is a metaphor. Don’t judge it out of context. There’s probably a whole subplot. Just shut up.