NEW YORK–The highly-anticipated iPhone — a combination cellular telephone, music player and wireless Internet device — shouldn’t have been left alone with your girlfriend. You saw the way it was looking at her, playing all the Al Green it could get its digital little mitts on and showing off touchscreen like it’s Lindsay at an awards show. You should have known better, man.

It’s not her fault. You practically drove her to it, you know. Were you able to tell her where the best Vegan place uptown was while rocking her gently to the new Xavier Rudd? No, you were sitting on your duff talking about love and love. And love. Douche.

So the iPhone did what it had to do, baby. It treated a lady like a lady ought to be treated, and that’s with $5 billion worth of projected retail business, an unlimited data plan — when she said yours was a good size, well, you know — and icons that bounce. up. and. down. Yeah, they did it. They did it in your home, bro. When it was all over, iPhone told her nothing could ever come of it and, to her credit, your lady only cried for the first fifteen minutes.

Maybe you never stood a chance. Maybe you can win her back. I don’t know. But I’ll tell you one thing. I wouldn’t trust that new iBrator, either.

Technorati tags: [ iPhone | apple | love ]

A blog carnival, if you don’t know, is sort of the equivalent of a blog magazine — several bloggers submit their posts on a given topic to a “host” (think editor) who then throws them into one space every week, two weeks, month, whatever.

So today the Carnival of Satire came out and it has a bunch of satire from around the Web, including an entry from little ol’ DaveBurdick.com.

HOLLYWOOD — In the run-up to the 2008 presidential election, two of the heavy-hitters of one of the United States’ top-four-ish political parties appear to have removed the gloves. Steve Kubby, a Californian seeking the Libertarian Party nomination, has asked Christine Smith, a candidate from Colorado, to issue an apology.

Smith got actress Goldie Hawn super drunk, after which Hawn eventually paid Smith $45 to go away. In 1998, when Kubby ran for governor of California on the Libertarian ticket, he had annoyed Hawn out of $45.

“That’s Steve-o’s territory, man,” said a Libertarian insider who wished to remain anonymous because the last time Kubby ran for office his family home was raided for marijuana and a little peyote. Read the rest of this entry »

NEWARK–After suspicious materials showed up in luggage x-rays, American Airlines passenger Cupid was detained for investigation. The cherubic cherub claims that the bow and arrow in question weren’t meant for killing or maiming, rather for causing adorable couples to fall in love. Air marshals say that’s not a possible thing.

Meanwhile, Hugh Grant, Tom Hanks and John Cusack were unable to woo Julia Roberts, Meg Ryan and Ione Skye for the entire first and second acts.

“It’s just not fair,” said Grant. “Here I am, being foppish, and the damned leading lady won’t stare into my eyes at the end of any of the Peter Gabriel montages. I can only hope that in the sequel or perhaps the third iteration of ‘The Girl With a Thing for All Foppish Guys But Me’ she’ll come around. I’ve been trying to say adorable British things around her. Mayonnaise. Bastard. Adequate healthcare systems. That sort of thing.”

BROOMFIELD, Colo. — Wandering through the food court for the fourth time in an hour, Matt Hawkins, 31, wanted to know just who the hell designed this place, anyway.

“You’d think there would be a clear map or some decent signage,” he said. “It makes you wonder if all this stuff was intelligently designed by the Lord, Our God, after all.”

Hawkins went on to wonder about the intelligence of design in other corners of life, like why God would put church and football on the same day, and why light beer tastes like piss.

“God can put a man on the moon, but he can’t make a tasty light brew? Come on!”

MIAMI–Now that the Super Bowl is over, the game was won and lost and the commercials were aired, the United States can go back to talking about wieners and boobs.
Some observers are questioning whether Prince’s guitar solo, in which he was silhouetted behind a sheet, was just a guitar solo. Bloggers have said that the guitar, shaped like the singer’s famous insignia, may have appeared phallic. Some believe the guitar may have actually been Prince’s giant wang.

The issue is particularly sensitive after the last time CBS aired the Super Bowl in 2004, when Janet Jackson exposed her wang. Worse, officials believe there may have been in excess of 80,000 wangs in the area at the time.

“We are looking into the situation, we are choosing our steps carefully and we are looking into preventative measures to keep wieners and boobs off of future Super Bowls on CBS,” said CBS spokesman Greg Aiello.

See: Totally pathetic AP story, “Was Prince’s Super performance too revealing?,” which CNN put on its front page.

WASHINGTON — After delivering the State of the Union address, President George W. Bush returned to the Oval Office to find a mysterious note on the Resolute desk. The note read “Mural Room. 3:00,” but lacked any information on the meeting’s topic. Bush wondered if it could have been about something in his speech — the troop escalation in Iraq, his health plan or perhaps even that little bone he threw to the environmental wackos who point to all this “evidence” that the planet is getting hotter, the part where he said the U.S. should cut gas usage by 20 percent in 10 years.

Before Bush could ask an aide to elaborate, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared in the doorway.

“Twenty percent in 10 years huh, pal?” said the vice president whose fortunes depend on the energy industry, smacking one fist into an open palm. “Yeah, I’ll show you 20 percent. Mural room. Be there. Don’t be a pussy.”

CHICAGO — A Chicago couple gained notoriety this week for having induced labor early in order to ensure they’d be free to watch the Chicago Bears play the New Orleans Saints in last night’s NFC Championship game. Here are some other couples who got their 15 minutes of fame in similar ways:

2000 - Steve and Alisha Jackson, who induced early so they could have a milennium baby and instead got never-ending arguments about when the milennium really began.

1986 - Pat and Maggie Dolan, the Boston couple that induced early in order to watch the Boston Red Sox and New York Mets play the ‘86 World Series and could never look their son in the face without seeing Bill Buckner.

1937 - Aloisius and Madeline White, the New Jersey couple that induced early in order to watch the Hindenburg crash.

So the Super Bowl is set. It’ll be the Chicago Bears and the Indianapolis Colts, which is significant for a few reasons, but we’ll let the real media cover that.

On the jokes front, I just thought it’d be nice to take a look back at where we were just a year ago, getting geared up for Super Bowl XL between the Seattle Seahawks and the eventual champions, the Pittburgh Steelers.

BAGHDAD, Iraq — Anti-American Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr and his political allies announced on Sunday the end of a two-month boycott on Iraqi politics. Al-Sadr, Iraq’s parliamentary speaker, made the announcement in front of a large banner reading “Mission Accomplished” after other members of the country’s parliament agreed to consider the al-Sadr bloc’s political demands.

The cleric “found the banner on eBay,” according to an aide speaking on condition of anonymity. “It was so cheap we couldn’t pass it up. I mean we would have paid more for it, but whoever owned it really wanted to get rid of it, I guess. What we’ve accomplished here isn’t exactly, totally done, but Mr. al-Sadr was so excited about the banner he just had us put it up anyway.”

The banner was not made available for comment.